The second daughter

The ugly side of me is that I am emotionally unstable. I grew up knowing I was different. I needed Tender Loving Care. I needed someone to tell me that I’ve done great or that I’ve already tried my hardest for my results. I needed hugs and kisses. I needed family heart to heart talks or discussion times. I needed talking about how great school was over the dinner table. But all I got was canes, and whips and chainsaws. Rewards were only if my results were good enough. It wasn’t good enough until I tried my best. But a B wasn’t good enough because “if you really tried and didn’t lose focus, the B would’ve been an A by now”.

I’d like to think that my life is complicated and that I have it all under control. It IS complicated, but I do not have it under control all the time.

^{Me on the left and my older brother on the right.}

I am the second (and I thought I was the youngest then) child in my family and being second means I will be second to the Golden Child of the family. I remember vividly, when I was in kinders, we had a Chinese spelling test. My older brother had already learnt it and I totally forgot about it, even though we were in the same class. That was the first Chinese spelling test that I have failed. I remember the betrayal I felt when my brother had studied and didn’t remind me about the test. But from that day on, I made it clear that I wasn’t going to forget again.

I think that incident flamed my determination to be good at everything. I was going to be more mature, more responsible, quicker in actions and brilliant in studies. I wanted it all. And I would like to think I did it. I feel that I am more mature, more responsible and quicker in actions than my brother is. When we were young, my mother assign some chores to my brother and he would always say “wait ah…” and you’d had to remind him again and again. But I was different. I did things immediately. The second reason why I was quicker in action was because I knew I couldn’t get away with “wait ah…” like my brother could. I would be caned and I couldn’t handle emotional turmoil as I said, I was emotionally stable already. So I did things the moment I was told to do it. He is the first son of the family, I was only the second daughter. As a child, I understood that clearly. And to be better, I tried at everything I did.

Being the second born was in a way a hidden blessing. Everything went well for me because I tried, but some things were still not right. I remember being very keen to get my driver’s license the moment I was of age. Who wouldn’t? My older brother certainly didn’t bother. But I was keen and quickly booked an instructor with Janice, my long term best friend. Having a driver’s license is my first step to real adulthood, and boy was I excited. But everything backfired. My mother screamed at me in horror and my dad had that pissed expression; I left out something in the process – the need to inform them that I was going to get my driver’s license.

I admit that was a big mistake – forgetting to inform my parents of my plan. But I still felt more accomplished. The second daughter getting her driver’s license before the first son. I’m secretly still proud of that.

 

I grew up wanting to get away from all the terms and conditions; from being the second daughter that wasn’t as highly “priced” as the first son. I wanted to be better in almost every way. But again, all my doings backfired.

As the clock ticked, I slowly realise that I was setting myself up for a future that I did not foresee. I was suddenly the one doing the laundry at home, doing the cooking, vacuuming, drying the clothes, putting them away, and all that jazz. Why? Because I was quicker in action and that I actually care about cleanliness. And my older brother would sit there in front of his computer. I have nothing against that. I am happy to do the laundry because I DO NOT ruin my own clothes. I make sure that when it says ‘dry cleaning only’, I take it to the dry cleaners. I do not wait until the sink is full of dishes. I do not wait until I was starving to death to cook.

Then it is my responsibility to make sure the bills are being paid on time; my responsibility to quarterly manage the other apartment that my parents have; my responsibility to arrange for enrolment letters for me and my brother, even though we both have two days a week off from work and I still found time to do it for us both; my responsibility to put the bikes away (that’s fair because I didn’t have work then); my responsibility, or rather, my boyfriend’s responsibility to drive the car.

And it is going to my, and solely my, responsibility to raise my two younger brothers, should the need arise.

 

It was never going to be a shared responsibility. A responsibility that I do not want. So I sit here contemplating about my past and I realise that it’s not about being the better one anymore. It’s all about the second daughter doing all the family bidding and the first son getting it all on the silver platter. How have I not seen this before? It’s all over in the Chinese movies. Right from the start, I fell for the trap thinking that second daughters need to try a lot harder.

Standing up for what I think is right

Some say that I do not stand up for myself enough. But all I know is when I do, it's suddenly called "being controlling".

Instinctive morality

Genesis 37 tells the story of Joseph’s brothers trying to get Joseph killed but, after being overridden by guilt, they sold him as a slave.

This account predates Moses and the Ten Commandments, yet the brothers knew that it was evil to murder their brother. How much might these basic instincts be motivated by belief in a God?

My first thought was mystery person. Let’s call that person MP. I remember watching the news and there were shootings in America. Don’t ask me which, there are far too many to be okay. I casually stated my point that it is immoral and unjust for anyone to just start randomly shooting and killing people, regardless of his/her personal situation. It is not at all humane. Name one aspect that was OK for anyone to walk in and start killing everyone in the room. This was when I was almost horrified at MP’s response. What I got from MP’s argument was that, “IF the person was mentality bonkers or psychotic or etc etc, what is stopping that person from just doing whatever he wants? He can’t think”. Fair point.

But surely there is still a soul somewhere in them that screams “LOOK AT THE CHILDREN YOU ARE KILLING”. Or surely there is something in them that stops them. The spirit of humanity, perhaps? Although MP has a fair point, I STILL do not think it is okay. To me, the first thing that MP did was defending an unjust action. That is always what MP is good at – trying to get me to see what “other” people, who are directly opposite of myself, think. I GET IT. I understand that there are going to be many perspectives and “views” that other people may have. But we as humans should CLEARLY draw a line between the right and wrong. Every time MP defends “other” (I hope it is other people’s views, as MP says, and not MP’s own) people’s views, beliefs or perspective, suddenly, everything’s in the grey area. Nothing is clearly black or white. I hate it.

MP is an atheist. There is no almighty god to MP, and nothing out there greater than mankind. MP does not believe in a god. When that happens, everything is in a grey area. Unlike us, MP does not have a holy spirit within us that can scream out “this is WRONG” and make us feel disgusted at some things we see or hear.

I know there are many amazing non-believer out there who acts like Christians. But a tiny part of them believes that something out there is greater than humankind… maybe that cosmic force or I dont know what… but something. It is this part of them that gives them the basic instinctive morals. After all, you don’t want to risk being in the something’s bad books.

Not believing is a scary thing. It leads you to dark and unwanted paths; it ALLOWS you to do so with any reasoning you like. Not believing is saying “there is nothing governing ME, my thoughts and my actions”. You may argue that that is what the Law is for. But I am here to tell you that the Law is broken everyday, every hour, every minute, every second in the world. If one day, someone decides to rock up, armed and ready to take a few lives, does Law jump in his/her face and say stop? Does Law govern his/her thoughts?

No. That’s what the holy spirit does. It’s an in-built alarm system in the body that helps us discern between the right and the wrong. And it is the holy spirit that guides us. It shuts down our thoughts once it lingers into this dark and unwanted path. Yes, there are many self-proclaimed Christians who might be capable of killing. But I am talking about having a deep relationship with Jesus and having an intimate connection with the holy spirit. That is another debate on its own.

For now, think about it. Are basic instinctive morals motivated by a belief in a god? Contrasting between me and MP, I dare say it’s a definite yes.

Chicken Curry

Chicken Curry tonight is supposed to be celebrating me getting YA.

But looks like no one is turning up for chicken curry. So I'll be me and noodles and the bitches in Gossip Girl.

Darn.

2012 in retrospect

2012 taught me that grace and forgiveness are not easy virtues to carry out. This is especially true when the pain comes from someone else's sin.

2012 taught me who to keep and who to lose; which are sincere, which are just plain flattery; and most importantly, that friends are those who watches out for you when your backs are turned.

2012 taught me who you can turn to and rely on, and who you can’t.

In 2012, I thought I was going to die on the kitchen floor.

In 2012, on the kitchen floor, I heard God said "Don't, I love you".

Emotional investment is no joke. So is the "no-strings-attached" when someone is going to get hurt.

Drama desperation

Not quite what the title is describing, but I am in need of style/fashion inspiration. And then I thought about watching dramas. The first thing that came to mind was Blair from Gossip Girl. But can I handle the drama? I’ve watched season 1 twice in my lifetime, and stopped at season 2 because I could not handle the emotional turmoil after watching the biggest drama queens ever. But for the sake of fashion and style… maybe I’ll give it another go.

The second thing I thought about was Sex and the City. Those 4 ladies sure knows how to dress. Any other suggestions when it comes to fashion and great sense of style in dramas? I’m all ears.

Xx

The World of Suzie Wong

My impression and thoughts from the film:
A girl who grew up less fortunate than the rest, pretends and try hard to fit into the world. The only value she holds is saving herself for the one true love. Although a street girl, brought up to entertain sailors to earn enough money, she determines to find a man with a big heart and kind soul - someone who could take care of her. And although she does everything wrong, she did one thing right - giving everything she had for the one man who feels the same. And there, she finds happiness, regardless of circumstances. A good film from the 60s. Slightly thought provoking, to a modern Chinese girl, I suppose.

I read this book a while ago, perhaps two summers ago in Malaysia, borrowed from Sarawak Club library. I always prefer to read Asian written books. It’s not racism. There is always something about the Asian culture and the way they think. I love it. It’s captivating almost. It explains a lot about my parents and grandparents. I explains a lot about how I was thought to think and behave. And my gosh, it made a lot of difference. It’s so different from the Western mindset. We (I’m Chinsese) have to think about “losing face” before persecuting an action. There are issues that are trivial to the Western world, but at large to the Asian culture. Morality, Sex, Love, and all the values you could ever think of is held very highly in the Asian culture. And I hate to put it this way, but in my honest opinion, the Western culture seem to be very loose in this area, where morality, sex and love is just… a figment of an “immature person’s” dream.

Starred by Nancy Kwan and William Holden, written by Richard Mason.

“It matters whom you marry”

Below is a full blog post from THE CHRISTIAN PUNDIT, on an important matter – marrying the right guy. Although I am aware of matters like these, this article puts it out there. It’s a great read and puts some perspective into the reader. Marriage is a beautiful thing, but the world we live in today defiles it and makes little of its true meaning and power. Marriage is when God joins a man and woman into one. But in the world we live in today, where faith is rare, marriage is just… a fancy wedding where the lovers make a vow – a short term vow. By short term, I mean anyway ranging from months to “until death do us part”.

I do not believe in “until death do us part”. What if some unforeseen circumstances takes one partner away? Does death part them then? Can the other partner then pursue someone else and remarry? THAT right there is not true love. A man who would marry twice would marry the whole world. THAT is my point of view and not in a million light years would I want that. I have much more to think about, too much to think about at this young age. But too blessed to have such defined belief in this era. And I have only You to thank for that, for keeping me.

 

“My husband and I were once with a youth group. There were three kids sitting across from us at a meal: two guys and a girl. The one guy was a computer geek with glasses. The other one was a college student with slightly cooler hair and no glasses. The girl was obviously with him. But while the computer geek was busy serving everyone at the meal, clearing plates and garbage, the college student got angry with the girl for a small accident and poured red juice over her leather jacket and white shirt. She picked the wrong guy, and the juice didn’t seem to change her mind. She is in for some grief if that relationship continues and especially if it leads to marriage.

So to all the young, unmarried Christian girls out there, listen up: who you marry matters. You might think that the way he treats you isn’t so bad. It’s not going to get better after the wedding. You might think that he’ll change. It’s possible, but most don’t. You might think that you’ll be able to minister to him and help him. Possibly, but if you can’t now, you won’t then, and you will be at risk yourself. A husband should lead and cherish you, not need your counsel for basic personality or behavior issues.

Unless someone married is very frank with you, you can’t understand how much a husband will impact your entire life. Next to salvation there is no other long term event that will change so many areas of your life so deeply. Here are just some of the ways that marriage will impact every aspect of living.

1. It will impact you spiritually. If the guy is not a believer, you can stop right there. You have no business yoking a redeemed soul with an unregenerate one, even if he seems open to change. Christ has bought you with a price and it is not an option to give away that blood bought heart to someone who doesn’t know and love your Lord. It will cripple your spiritual development, open up a host of temptations, stifle your prayer life, make regular church going difficult, and cause massive parenting conflict if you have children.

If the guy is a believer, is he a strong one? Will he lead you in prayer, Bible reading, family devotions, and public worship? Or will you be on your own? Is he going to make spiritual growth a priority or do other things come first? Is he going to ask you how it’s going with your soul so he can help you grow in holiness and love for Christ, or will he leave that to your pastor? Is he going to lead the children in this, or will you have to spearhead that? In church, is he going to help the kids sit well, pray, find the hymn, or will you be the one pointing out what is happening next and helping the family keep up? Many women have married spiritually immature men, thinking that it wasn’t a big issue, or that the man would change, and they were wrong. They bear the scars.

The health of your eternity is at stake. Think carefully.

2. It will impact you emotionally. Is the guy you’re thinking of going to encourage you, love you, be kind to you, and seek to understand you, or will he want to go out with the guys when you’re having a hard night? Will he listen when you are struggling with something or will he be preoccupied with a video game? Is he going to be annoyed when you cry or will he get you Kleenex and give you a hug? Is he going to going to understand that you are probably more tender than he is, more sensitive to issues and comments, or is he regularly going to run rough shod over your feelings? One woman was struggling to breastfeed her new baby, believing that that was the best thing for her, but it was very difficult. Instead of giving support and encouragement, the husband would make mooing sounds whenever he saw his wife working at it. We have to get rid of princess complexes, but we do have emotional needs. Any guy who is uncaring about your feelings and self esteem is selfish and should be left alone.

Be careful – a husband can cripple or foster emotional health.

3. It will impact you physically. Is the guy you’re with going to provide for your basic needs? Will he be able to shelter, clothe and feed you? At one point in our marriage, I was worried that there was no employment opportunity. My husband assured me that he would work at McDonalds, dig ditches, clean up roadkill – whatever it took to provide for the family, regardless of his gifts and training. That’s the kind of attitude you want. A man who doesn’t provide for his household is worse than an infidel (I Tim. 5:8). You might have to help ease the financial burden, but unless your husband is disabled or there is another unusual circumstance, you shouldn’t have to carry it yourself.

Will the man you are with care for your body or abuse it? If he gives you little smacks, kicks, etc. when you’re dating, get away. It’s almost guaranteed that he will abuse you after marriage, and stats show that’s especially true when you are pregnant. Is he going to care for and protect your body or will he hurt it? There are women in churches across America who thought it was no big deal to have little (sort of friendly) punches or slaps from their boyfriends, but who are covering up the bruises from their husbands.

Will the man you are with care for you sexually? Is he going to honour the marriage bed in physical and mental faithfulness to you or will he flirt, feed his porn addiction, or even leave you for another woman? You can’t always predict these issues, but if the seeds or practices are already there, watch out. I recently saw a newly married couple and the husband was flirting openly with another woman. Unless something drastic happens, that marriage is headed for disaster.

Is he going to be tender and gentle to you in bed? An unbelieving co-worker once told my sister that after her first sexual encounter, she had trouble walking for a few days because her boyfriend was so rough. In other words, he wasn’t selfless enough to care for the body of the woman he said he loved.

Watch out. Your body needs care and protection.

4. It will impact you mentally. Is the man that you’re thinking of going to be a source of worry or will he help you deal with your worries? Is he going to encourage your intellectual development, or will he neglect it? Is he going to value your opinions and listen to what you are thinking, or will he disregard your thoughts? Is he going to help you manage stress so that your mind is not burdened that way, or is he going to let you struggle through issues alone? Is he going to care for you and be thoughtful of you if you are experiencing mental strain, or will he ignore it? I know of a woman who could handle pregnancy and child birth very well physically but postpartum depression took a huge toll on her mind. The husband overlooked it, continuing to have more children, until his wife ended up in a mental institution.

You might think that the intellectual or mental side of a marriage is small. It’s bigger than you think. Consider it seriously.

5. It will impact you relationally. How’s your relationship with your mother? Your dad? Do you love them? Does your boyfriend? Fast forward ten years: you tell your husband that your mother is coming for the weekend. Is he excited? Disappointed? Angry? Making snide jokes with his friends? Of course, a husband should come first in your priority of relationships, as you both leave father and mother and cleave to one another. But parents are still a big part of the picture. Whatever negative feelings he has about your parents now will probably be amplified after marriage. Your marriage will either strengthen or damage – even destroy – your relationship with your parents. The people who know you best and love you most right now could be cut out of the picture by a husband who hates them.

It’s the same with sisters and friends. Will they be welcomed, at reasonable times, in your home? Will the guy who you’re with encourage healthy relationships with other women, or will he be jealous of normal, biblical friendships? Will he help you mentor younger women and be thankful when older women mentor you, or will he belittle that?

Don’t sacrifice many good relationships for the sake of one guy who can’t value the people who love you.

So how will your boyfriend do after the vows? Because this is just a sampling of the ways that a husband can bless or curse his wife. The effects are far reaching, long lasting, and either wonderful or difficult. True, there are no perfect men out there. But there are great ones. And it’s better to be single for life than to marry someone who will make your life a burden. Singleness can be great. Marriage to the wrong person is a nightmare. I’ve been in a church parking lot where the pastor had to call the police to protect a wife from a husband who was trying to stop her from worshiping and being with her family. It’s ugly. Don’t be so desperate to get married that your marriage is a grief. If you are in an unhappy marriage, there are ways to get help. But if you’re not married, don’t put yourself in that situation. Don’t marry someone whose leadership you can’t follow. Don’t marry someone who is not seeking to love you as Christ loved the church. Marry someone who knows and demonstrates the love of Christ.”

Bricks

“I would go along and then… BAM! a ton of bricks have hit me.”

Hello World!

I am currently hit by a wave of presentations, projects, papers and general uni work. Also, I am currently working (more like studying) under Abhi’s guidance in the Type 1 diabetes lab at the Alfred hospital. Until my study/work/I don’t exactly know what you call it is done, I can’t tell you how everything is yet. But it’s exciting yet draining at the same time. Research requires brains and meticulous lab work. It still amazes me how we have come so far, from stone age to proving the basics of life, to curing disease.

God sure knows what He is doing. Just look into the details and you’ll find Him.